Friday, December 31, 2004

We'll start with this.

We saw the heartbeat! It's amazing. This baby, now fondly called "raspberry" by Bryan because we read that he/she is the size of a raspberry right now, has only been fertilized for 30 days and "raspberry" already has a heartbeat. We were marveled at the doctor's office when we saw it on the ultrasound. How incredible! We could hear it, too. This thing, which honestly looks like an alien in my stomach right now, is a miracle.

Am I normal?

Every little thing that I'm feeling in this pregnancy I'm so paranoid about what's "normal". I'm so afraid to rejoyce in this pregnancy because of the paranoia. I'm having trouble embracing the nausea, the fatigue, the excitement. Maybe it is because we tried for four years before we got pregnant, I don't know. I hate to use that as an excuse. There was a woman I used to know from church that always talked about how her kid was more "precious" because he cost "$70,000" because they had to do invitro. What a hag. That always pissed me off. And I don't want to sound like that AT ALL. But I'm so paranoid that this is another cruel joke. Another test from God. A mean tease. So much so that as excited as I am, in the back of my head I'm scared to DEATH to enjoy it too much. And then I worry that my negative thoughts will cause bad things.

I keep thinking everything is too perfect. It is perfect that the baby is due in August. It is perfect that I'll be quitting my job in May, a month before we move. It is perfect that I'll have two months after we move before the baby is born. My husband is perfect. My life is perfect. Why am I not marveling in the joy of it all? In the blessings? I guess I can answer that. Maybe I don't feel like I deserve this. Who am I? I've never done anything good. I certainly do not deserve this.

Is my sore right ovary normal? Is the occassional slight pain? What IS normal anyway? It doesn't help that my marathon running/fast talking doctor is constantly reminding me the chances of miscarriage. I suppose I shouldn't hold it against him, because he IS an infertility/high risk doctor. He probably sees it a lot. (although I'm told I'm not high risk at this point) The good news is I went from a 20% chance last week to a 10% chance this week. Why does he have to tell me that? In three weeks I'll be down to a 1% chance. I keep thinking, though, that the doc only gave me an 8% chance of getting pregnant the first month after the surgery.

But, hey, the baby doesn't know statistics. Right? My friend Jerri who lost her baby when she was 30 weeks pregnant didn't care about her statistics. 1% meant nothing to her. It was 100%. And the millions of babies who make it. Their chances are 0%.

I need to be positive. My mom is a very negative person. It is difficult to be around someone who is so negative. Although, I haven't really voiced this to anyone, but negativity radiates. You can just tell. OK, remember what I said about the art of positive thinking? From now on I'll be positive. I HAVE to be positive.

I'm HAVING A BABY! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now everyone knows.

We told our family Christmas eve about the baby. Our Christmas eve tradition is to have a light dinner, go to church, and open gifts. In the days before we went over and over how we were going to tell. We thought maybe we would put the ultrasound in a frame and wrap it for the parents, wrapping up a "baby's first Christmas" ornament and writing "coming 2005". Lots of things. Finally we just decided to tell them. We were going to do it after everyone opened gifts, but we just couldn't wait. So, we decided to do it when we ate dinner.

When we sat down Bryan was asked to say the blessing. He said "before I say the blessing Carol and I have something to tell you. We are going to have another person at the table next Christmas. Carol and I are going to be parents".

Bryan's mom squealed. Everyone else gasped. They were really excited. We told them about how we found out and everything. It's about time this family had a little one!!

I had told my sister a few days before. She kept saying "oh, my God" over and over. You'd think it was HER that was going to be pregnant!

Bryan's brother Criag was the only one that reacted like a jerk. He has always been jealous of Bryan (even though Bryan's mom admitted that he was her favorite when they were growing up. But that's another story). He didn't say a word. When someone said to him "you're going to be an uncle" his only response was "a lot of people call me uncle". Jerk.

Bryan spent Christmas day calling the other relatives. He was so cute, telling everyone. His brother Eric reacted the most unexpectedly. He is Mr. Texan Red-Neck and always swore he would never have kids. When we told him, though, he was so excited! He even said he wants to try to take a week or two off when the baby is born to come and help and see the baby!

Who would have thought??

Who would have thought I would be happy about severe nausea, sore boobs, fatigue and moodyness? If I don't have symptoms I worry. All of this is such a cool experience. Who would have thought?

I'm still in shock, I think. It hasn't sunk in. Even with the nausea. lol. Holy crap!

I'm going to be a MOM!

OMG! I am so excited. I've known for two and a half weeks, but we were waiting to tell the folks on Christmas so I didn't want to squeal.

On December 13th, the day before my birthday, I was supposed to start. I woke up that morning and went to the bathroom as usual. I don't know what posessed me to take the test. I had an expired test under the sink and, I guess I figured it was expired so what the heck. Anyway, I took it and IT WAS POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. I stood there and stared at it for a good two or three minutes. I dug the instructions out of the trash to read again. And again I stared. Finally I decided it wasn't sleep in my eyes or anything I ate that was causing hallucinations. I ran out to the bedroom and showed the stick to Bryan. He had no idea I was taking the test. He said "We're pregnant?" I said Yes, but the test was expired. We didn't want to get too excited until we took a non-expired test. So, we got dressed and went to the store and bought a three pack. They confirmed it!!

Bryan I think was letting it sink in. Well, we both really were. I called the doctor and they said if I came in that morning they could have the test back by the afternoon. I told them I was in Edom, four hours away. They were kind enough to fax the orders to the hospital in Tyler and we went there. By 4pm they called and said "congratulations!".

We're due August 22nd. As of today, I'm 61/2 weeks along.

Holy moly. I can't believe it. Wooooooooooo Hooooooooooooo!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

OK, OK, I've learned my lesson!

The kids in the church talked me into having a lock in. I decided I must have inhaled something funky that I didn't realize would make me do crazy things when I agreed to do it. At least I had the sense to make it a "Christmas Lock-In" so I didn't have to do a Christmas party AND a lock in. AT LEAST I had that much sense.

So, my friend Angie gave me some links to some great games to play with the kids. (I asked her because she has as whole mess of kids. Four to be exact. So, I figured she would know some good games, and she did!).

The lock in was last night. The kids were really great kids. Fifteen of them in all. We had a few 18 year olds that helped as junior chaperones and four adults took turns doing shifts. I don't think I could have managed without my sister helping and another lady. As well as Bryan, of course. It was a long 12 hours, though. It was fun, but I am FREAKIN' tired.

Now, I know enough to RUN if kids ever ask me to do another lock in!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I guess parents never stop embarassing their kids.

Our church gives Christmas gifts to the elderly in this nursing home that do not have family. We had a list of names, and the coordinator of this project stood up in church and said she needed more volunteers to take names and buy stuff. After service I told her I would take one. There were two left. She handed me one and took the other. I understand why she gave me that one. The woman whose name was on the card wore a 4x size.

Not to complain, but you can't just go anywhere and find that size. Thank God I go to Houston by weekday. There's a specialty store for large women here. My parents happened to be visiting, and it was my mom's birthday, and we were eating dinner next to the store, so I asked if they minded stopping in there before we left. No problem.

Dad stayed outside, and mom and I went in. We started looking for clothes, but none of them really looked like nursing home material so we were just kind of wandering aimlessly. A clerk asked if she could help us, and, here's the embarassing part, mom blurts out "we're looking for clothes for an OLD, FAT woman". LOL! OMG. I wanted to crawl under the table. I said "Mom, we don't use that word". Like my mom is 5 and she just said "shut up" or something. The clerk had the last laugh, though. She said to my mom "Oh, believe me, you aren't fat". ROFL

Monday, December 06, 2004

My mother just informed me...

That the last two times she saw me I was wearing all black.

She said I should wear another color besides black.

Well, I have to say that is a coincidence, because I DO wear other colors besides black. But a pantsuit generally has the same color top and bottom. So, if she happened to see me both times in a pant suit that was black, that's just how it is.

Although, I have to admit, I have worn MORE black lately because I've gotten so freakin' FAT. Maybe I'll just wear black until I lose those 10 or 20 pounds I spoke of earlier. Yea, that will thrill mom.

Why can't I lose weight?

I need to lose 10 pounds to be happy and 20 to be ecstatic. In the larger scheme of things it's not that much. I SHOULD be able to do it with my eyes closed. After all, I see "so and so lost 100 pounds in 10 weeks" or other rediculous ads all the time. But on a more realistic level, if I put my mind to it I could shed 10 to 15 easily in 6 weeks or so.

So, why don't I do it?

It isn't that I forget about it. I obsess over it all the time. When I get dressed every morning I go into a state of depression. When I go to the bathroom I obsess over it. When I eat I obsess over it. When I look in the mirror, see an old friend, work with someone I haven't worked with in a while, go shopping. It is CONSTANTLY in the back of my mind. When I have sex (I know, too much information) that's all I think about, and if I have to go clothes shopping, well, just don't come near me for at least several hours unless you want to be in a bad mood, too.

But I don't do it.

I eat the crap anyway.

Oprah (oh, yes, Oprah) says there's a reason more than the fact that the food tastes good that people overeat. If that's the case, then what the hell is MY reason? I wasn't abused as a child, my parents didn't divorce, I never felt overly ridiculed and I always knew my father (like Wynnona Judd says is her reason).

Just lose the freakin' 10 to 20 pounds already! Get off the I-hate-myself bandwagon! Can't be that complicated!

Geez, I'm such a loser.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Another funny story about Jerri Lynn

Jerri had a husband who was a snuff-chewing good 'ol boy. She told me once about a time they went to K-Mart together (back when there still WAS a K-Mart in Texas).

Jerri loved Icees. There were many a day we would go to K-Mart together and get an icee and sit and chat. We drank those things as our social drink just like most people drink coffee. This particular day her husband and she went to K-mart together and she got her usual icee. They walked around the store and shopped while she drank her icee. She finished most of it, and asked Stephen if he wanted the rest. He took it and they resumed shopping. They stopped to look at something and Stephen asked her to hold the cup while he picked something up. She did, and proceeded to take a sip from the straw. Little did she know he FINISHED the icee and was now using it as a spitoon for his snuff tobacco!!

AAAKKKK! I'm gagging thinking about it!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Jerri Lynn

Speaking of people you lose contact with, do you ever have anyone you regret losing touch with? I had a great friend in college. Her name was Jerri Lynn. To best describe her personality, I'd have to say she was a cross between an East Texas hick and a hippy. Which I know sounds like an oxymoron, but it describes her in a nutshell. Her family were mostly hickish. In fact, they always used both her names and said them together like one word...Jerrilynn.

It's kind of funny how we met. In college I was a Chemistry major and was a lab TA. I taught the labs for Chemistry for non majors (aka. cowboy chem), General Chemistry for science majors, and Analytical Chemistry. It was the second class of my General Chemistry lab, and we had just begun. This girl walks in late and says, "Sorry. Oh, and I wasn't here last week so I'm going to have to make it up". Of course, I'm thinking "yea, this girl is a loser".

A week or two later she and I happen to walk out of the Chemistry buidling at the same time and our cars were both parked across the parking lot way far away. So, we walked together. As I said before, it's funny what you remember about conversations with people. She had a half of a coconut and was eating it. I remember her telling me that coconuts were never meant to be ingested, you are supposed to suck on a chunk and enjoy the flavor, then spit it out. Anyway, during that walk to our cars, I found out she lived in Conroe, too, and commuted the 30 minutes to school every day like I did. So, we agreed to save money and start car pooling.

We became fast friends. We talked every day. In fact, I was there when her first son was born. She had called my house because her water had broken and her husband was out of town. I was still up at the school. Bryan answered the phone, but she didn't tell him what she wanted. She just asked if I was there and he said "no, she's at school". She said "OK, thanks" and hung up. Bryan called me at the school to ask me something and mentioned Jerri called. I don't know what possessed me to call her back right then, really. I probably wanted to ask her if she wanted to go somewhere with me or something and had a few minutes. I called and she asked what I was doing. I told her. I asked why she called and she said "Oh, my water broke and Stephen is out of town. I was going to ask if you could drive me to the hospital, but it sounds like you are busy. I can drive myself, it's no big deal". OMG! I ran to my car and drove 90 miles an hour all the way there. I got there in 20 minutes and rushed her to the hospital. Silly girl! I could have killed her. Unfortunately, her husband didn't make it back to see the birth. That part was sad.

She was hilarious without trying to be. She was a lot of fun.

Anyway, she quit college and became a stay-at-home mom. I graduated from college and became a career woman. We lost touch. I haven't talked to her in over 6 years. Now I'm sad. Maybe I'll look her up on the internet and send her a Christmas card if I can find her.

Small World

When I graduated from College I was a Research Associate (which is a fancy word for a Lab Tech with a Bachelors degree) for (ironically) a fertility research lab. I had a boss named Mitzi, PhD, DVM.

With my position now I go into various and sundry labs visiting. I had a meeting with a gentleman at a particular company. As we were going into the conference room, he says "I have invited Mitzi, one of our VP's to join us. She should be here shortly". My ears perked up, because, geez, I haven't met another Mitzi in my life, much less another PhD reserach scientist named Mitzi.

Lo and behold, she walks in. The meeting turned from a business meeting to a reunion. It was so nice to see her. We ended up going to lunch and catching up on what we've been up to the last 8 years.

One of my rants. Don't mind me.

I saw an article in the Dallas Morning News on, I think it was Friday, about teen pregnancy. I've thought about it every day since. The article focused on a family and three generations of unwed teen mothers. The grandmother had a child as a teenager, and the child, in turn, did the same thing. Then she dumped her baby off on the grandmother while she would disappear for days with her man of the month. That baby in turn had FIVE kids as a teenager (granted four were quadruplets, but still). None of the fathers were around. They mainly focused on the girl with the quadruples and another baby. She had no high school diploma, no job and was on welfare.

That story infuriated me. I'm not sure what the author was trying to do. Make me feel sorry for her? I don't. It sickens more than anything. It is one thing to make that mistake ONCE. But then to go out and do it AGAIN! And she was quoted as saying "I want to make sure my kids don't repeat what I've done, I want them to go to college and then get married". I just DON'T UNDERSTAND how this person can do this and then not put the kids up for adoption. If she truly wanted that for her children then IMHO she would have made sure a two-parent household who lived on something other than welfare adopted the baby. How selfish can you be???? There are well established families out there with hard working parents who maybe aren't rich, but desperately want children. The waiting time to adopt an infant in the United States is over TWO YEARS. There are so few available. (Yes, I'll admit I have vested interest in this.) It would be one thing if this girl had a steady boyfriend who wanted to marry her and try to make it work. Or even a job.

Better yet, don't have sex at all. Especially after the first "oops" you would think she would learn her lesson. SEX IS NOT NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL. It is NOT. As much as it feels good at the time, it is NOT NECESSARY. People CAN obstain. They do it all the time. Get a vibrator if you "need" it! They are a lot less cheaper than a baby.

I do not feel sorry for this woman. I feel sorry for her five kids who could have very little chance to do anything but what she's done. People who make mistakes in this country have ample opportunity to fix their mistakes. And they chose not to.