Friday, December 31, 2004

Am I normal?

Every little thing that I'm feeling in this pregnancy I'm so paranoid about what's "normal". I'm so afraid to rejoyce in this pregnancy because of the paranoia. I'm having trouble embracing the nausea, the fatigue, the excitement. Maybe it is because we tried for four years before we got pregnant, I don't know. I hate to use that as an excuse. There was a woman I used to know from church that always talked about how her kid was more "precious" because he cost "$70,000" because they had to do invitro. What a hag. That always pissed me off. And I don't want to sound like that AT ALL. But I'm so paranoid that this is another cruel joke. Another test from God. A mean tease. So much so that as excited as I am, in the back of my head I'm scared to DEATH to enjoy it too much. And then I worry that my negative thoughts will cause bad things.

I keep thinking everything is too perfect. It is perfect that the baby is due in August. It is perfect that I'll be quitting my job in May, a month before we move. It is perfect that I'll have two months after we move before the baby is born. My husband is perfect. My life is perfect. Why am I not marveling in the joy of it all? In the blessings? I guess I can answer that. Maybe I don't feel like I deserve this. Who am I? I've never done anything good. I certainly do not deserve this.

Is my sore right ovary normal? Is the occassional slight pain? What IS normal anyway? It doesn't help that my marathon running/fast talking doctor is constantly reminding me the chances of miscarriage. I suppose I shouldn't hold it against him, because he IS an infertility/high risk doctor. He probably sees it a lot. (although I'm told I'm not high risk at this point) The good news is I went from a 20% chance last week to a 10% chance this week. Why does he have to tell me that? In three weeks I'll be down to a 1% chance. I keep thinking, though, that the doc only gave me an 8% chance of getting pregnant the first month after the surgery.

But, hey, the baby doesn't know statistics. Right? My friend Jerri who lost her baby when she was 30 weeks pregnant didn't care about her statistics. 1% meant nothing to her. It was 100%. And the millions of babies who make it. Their chances are 0%.

I need to be positive. My mom is a very negative person. It is difficult to be around someone who is so negative. Although, I haven't really voiced this to anyone, but negativity radiates. You can just tell. OK, remember what I said about the art of positive thinking? From now on I'll be positive. I HAVE to be positive.

I'm HAVING A BABY! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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