As I embrace this pregnancy, or try to, I ponder the body that I once had that I will never have again.
No, I'm not talking about me whining about my face fat in a previous post. I went for my monthly check up on Wednesday (you know, the one with the ultrasound?) and the Obstetritian told me I had only gained one pound in the last month. She said she isn't worried about it yet, but she will be if I don't start gaining soon. I guess my husband was right, it WAS all in my head. Why do I doubt my very intelligent husband? (In case you were wondering, that was a rhetorical question.)
What I AM talking about, however, is everything else. You know you. You generally know your own bathroom habits, skin texture, hair catastrophes and how to control them. You also know your disposition and how you will react to certain situations. You know that if you wake up and find dog vomit on your nice quilt you will get annoyed but know she didn't mean it so you will just clean it and go on. You know that if you watch that episode of Little House on the Prairie where that woman dies you will appreciate it but not go over board. I mean, geez, you've seen it 50 times. And it IS a TV show. You know all this. After all, you have lived with you for X number of years.
When pregnant, I am learning, it all goes out the window. Everything you knew about yourself is gone. I now have indigestion, acid reflux, and extremely dry skin for the first time in my life. I no longer love pizza with a passion and canned tuna fish has become my food of choice.
The one thing that has me the most perplexed, however, is the whole reaction thing.
I've always been what others considered to be non-emotional. I always partly wished I was a little more emotional, but yet partly proud of my rock existance. If there is an emergency situaltion, everyone pretty much could rely on me to have a level head. If I had to make a decision, it was based on logic, not on emotions.
I have a group of friends that love Little House on the Prairie. They always talked about how weepy they got when watching it. I always secretly rolled my eyes at the idea. It's a TV show, for goodness sakes. Also, I have a mom who cried when I started my period when I was 12. I just wanted her to get out of the bathroom, get the pad on, and go on with life. I cursed my sister for even telling her.
However, About two months ago, almost 3 months into this pregnancy, my husband and I watched "Steel Magnolias". I had never seen it. I got weepy at the end. I tried to hide it. He got up and turned the movie off, turned the overhead light back on, looked at me and said "What's wrong with your eyes?". Yea, that bad. He never had seen me cry over a movie. My response? "I'm hormonal! Shut up!" and smiled while hiding my face.
The other day when we had our ultrasound the very sight of it made me weepy. I was choking back tears right there on the table. Just the fact that I could see her little ear and her little fingers made we want to cry. And then when my husband talked about the little finger thing that I posted about, I lost it completely.
But the one true thing that made me realize I am hormonal, AND that I may never be the same again now that I will be under the title "mom", is that I was watching the Little House on the Prairie Episode "Remember Me" where a mom dies and leaves 3 children orphaned. She has read at her funeral the following:
"Remember me with smiles and laughter,
for that is how I will remember you.
If you can only remember me with tears,
then don't remember me at all."
Yea, I've seen the episode a zillion times. Yes, it is a TV show. Yes, it is where I thought of the name of this blog. But, I knowing all of these facts, I still was choking back the flood of tears that wanted to flow. OK, gals, now I get it.
How do you men put us with us? (Again, rhetorical. I'm afraid to ask that question for real).
Question: Have you ever reacted to a situation in a way that surprised you later when you thought about it?