That feeling of Panic

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and get a shot of panic that runs through you? That happens to me more than it really should. Usually its stupid stuff, like I sent a baby gift to a coworker who lives across the country and used the company FedEx number to do it. I woke up thinking that was 'wrong' and what if someone found out?? I mean, the recipient IS a co worker. I wouldn't have sent it if I didn't work with them. So, it's justified, right? But, I digress...

Anyway, last night I woke up with a real panic. Yesterday at the doctor's office I thought I'd ask, becuase I'm anal about being prepared, how much invitro fertilization costs. The doctor said $12,000 to $15,000. When I got home I looked on the internet at some costs for adoption. The site I went to said "special needs" kids (ie. mentally retarded, older, behavioral issues) are about $2,500 to adopt and "normal" 0-6 month baby adoptions range from $15,000 to $30,000.

I realize I'm jumping the gun. I mean, the doctor told me that infertile persons who have this surgery generally have a 7-8% chance of getting pregnant per cycle in the next 4-6 months. (normal people have a 15% chance per cycle. Unless, of course, they are my super-fertile friend Angie and her husband super-sperm Dave who has a 98% chance of getting pregnant per cycle. Hi Ang!). So, I should focus on my 7-8% and go with it. It doesn't help to panic about the what if's. But, unfortunately, that's what I'm made of.

So, my wake up in a panic thought was if we don't get pregnant by March it's never going to happen. We can't afford 3 rounds of artificial insemination at $2,500 a pop and THEN the $15,000 per round of IVF. And THEN, if we must adopt, the $20,000 there. We will be living on a preacher's salary for God sakes. And then I think if we can't have kids, what's my purpose?

Calm down, Carol. You probably won't even need to go there. You're making things worse by thinking of it. Think positively.