Tuesday, November 09, 2004

That feeling of Panic

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and get a shot of panic that runs through you? That happens to me more than it really should. Usually its stupid stuff, like I sent a baby gift to a coworker who lives across the country and used the company FedEx number to do it. I woke up thinking that was 'wrong' and what if someone found out?? I mean, the recipient IS a co worker. I wouldn't have sent it if I didn't work with them. So, it's justified, right? But, I digress...

Anyway, last night I woke up with a real panic. Yesterday at the doctor's office I thought I'd ask, becuase I'm anal about being prepared, how much invitro fertilization costs. The doctor said $12,000 to $15,000. When I got home I looked on the internet at some costs for adoption. The site I went to said "special needs" kids (ie. mentally retarded, older, behavioral issues) are about $2,500 to adopt and "normal" 0-6 month baby adoptions range from $15,000 to $30,000.

I realize I'm jumping the gun. I mean, the doctor told me that infertile persons who have this surgery generally have a 7-8% chance of getting pregnant per cycle in the next 4-6 months. (normal people have a 15% chance per cycle. Unless, of course, they are my super-fertile friend Angie and her husband super-sperm Dave who has a 98% chance of getting pregnant per cycle. Happy Hi Ang!). So, I should focus on my 7-8% and go with it. It doesn't help to panic about the what if's. But, unfortunately, that's what I'm made of.

So, my wake up in a panic thought was if we don't get pregnant by March it's never going to happen. We can't afford 3 rounds of artificial insemination at $2,500 a pop and THEN the $15,000 per round of IVF. And THEN, if we must adopt, the $20,000 there. We will be living on a preacher's salary for God sakes. And then I think if we can't have kids, what's my purpose?

Calm down, Carol. You probably won't even need to go there. You're making things worse by thinking of it. Think positively.

1 comment:

joy said...

The mind is powerful. You can talk yourself into stuff just as well as out of stuff. Think positive and let it flow (or swim). One day at a time is such a overused cleque (crap I don't see a spellcheck!) but it is so true. Think of the positive. You know, I love Krystal and I am so glad and blessed that I have her. But what if I didn't. Would my life be just a waste? I hope not. I am not doing brain surgery or anything. I don't have a husband. I am alone. But I hope to think that I have done something or will do something along the journey in life to help someone else. Just like you. Our professions may not be glamerous or life saving. But our life can be. We may just not know it. I like to think that anyways. So my point is...and I supose I do have one...IF you don't have kids, and I am pretty sure you will, it won't be the end of the world. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. The odds are you will be within a few years. I can see you as a great mother and hope that it happens.